Energy drinks have gained a tremendous amount of popularity. It seems impossible to walk in a convenience store or gas station without seeing them. So why are they so popular? I believe the reason is because of their addictive nature. Or at least the marketing that makes them seem addictive.
The first time I really noticed this was when I heard about the drink “Cocaine”. This is blatantly trying to appeal to people who want a drink that will get them high. The writing on the can is made to look like lines of coke. So crank up some K.C. and the Sunshine band, put on a leisure suit, and drink can after can of “Cocaine” drink until you are strung out and completely broke.
Energy drinks are actually causing a lot of concern in the medical community. If young children drink them it can cause heart palpitations. This stuff is powerful. Also, many people don’t realize that many of these drinks come with alcohol in them. These keep you drunk and awake. The tiring nature of alcohol is counteracted by the caffeine so you can be uninhibited and reckless for an indefinite period of time. So what lies in the future for energy drinks? Probably prohibition. I’m certain congress will lead some sort of hearing to determine whether energy drinks are addictive, just like tobacco was investigated before them. A bill will be passed outlawing over caffeinated drinks, or at least strictly taxing and regulating them.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the companies that produce these drinks have suspected that this would happen all along. When the drinks are outlawed a huge demand for them will be created. People will have to smuggle them from Mexico and Canada. That is why the cans for these drinks were made so small, so they can be easily inserted into the rectum and smuggled across the border.
I plan on becoming very wealthy because of this. I will become a modern day bootlegger. I plan on running shipments down from Canada and selling them to the highest bidder. I will than take the money and open up some energy drink speakeasies, where people will come in, listen to hot jazz music, and drink until they go into cardiac arrest. I will rise to the level of Al Capone. I will be an energy drink drug lord, flooding the streets with energy drinks. Cities will teem with caffeine addicts looking for another fix of what they call on the streets “juice”, “caff”, “N”, and “tongue candy”. So move over methamphetamine, America’s gonna have a new drug epidemic. And I’m cashing in on it. So until next time my loyal readers. Stay happy, and always know that I love you.
I have been writing my column now for a while now and I like to think I have a fair sized following. Even though it mostly contains illiterate people, I’m still content with it. But being content isn’t enough! I want more! More I tells ya! I want super stardom! Now normally to get fame one must be talented enough at something to gain recognition, but I’m sure as you read this you have discovered I have no talent. Even my vast illiterate fan base knows this. But if we look closely at some other famous people, we can see that there are loopholes to becoming famous. The first trick is to make a sex tape. Case subject: Paris Hilton. Everyone knows who she is, she has appeared in movies, modeled in magazines, and she even coined the incredibly stupid catch phrase “That’s Hot”. She may have even have trademarked that phrase, so I may have to pay her to use it in this article. So aside from being greedy enough to exploit a helpless, talentless columnist, she is very famous. How did this fame start? A sex tape. She was just known as an incredibly rich heir and now because of her shameful sexual display she is a household name. So every time you see her on television or anywhere else, remember why she’s there. She filmed herself getting plowed and everyone saw it. This certainly is an expedient way to fame but would be difficult for me to achieve since I don’t have a woman who would be willing to be in a sex tape with me. The only alternative is to make a sex tape of me having sex with myself, but I doubt that would yield any gain in fame. The next trick is to have sex with a politician. Case Subject: Monica Lewinsky. She was a simple white house intern who fell under the sexual spell of Bill Clinton like so many women before her. It eventually came to be noticed by the public and the republicans did all they could to gain from the situation. Monica certainly had a lot of problems, but I guess you could say it was a blessing in disguise. She ended up hosting Saturday Night Live and came out with her line of purses. All this because she blew the president. So what politician could I have sex with? Since I don’t want to have sex with a man my options are pretty limited. It’s really just Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, or Laura Bush. I think I’ll just compromise and have sex with the Bush daughters. The most popular way to gain fame right now is to claim you are the father of Anna Nicole smith’s baby. So I will do that right now. It was me who sired Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. We met during a snooker tournament in Fargo, North Carolina. We totally screwed and the kid’s mine. Now I want my money. On the subject of Anna Nicole Smith, the last way to get famous is to die an unnatural death. Anna Nicole Smith wasn’t particularly famous until after her sudden death. Before that she was known for having married a man so old and rich that he may have actually been William Randolph Hearst, and having a TV show where she said and did stupid things. Also she was fat and got thin and started shilling for Trimspa. After she died, she was on every television channel. Dying unnaturally when you’re even a little bit famous will make you very famous. The only problem is you’re not around to enjoy your fame. Unless there’s an afterlife and you are able to take fame with you there. It’s risky, but if it works it’s worth it. Unless of course you go to hell. And if I do all the things I mentioned above to gain fame I surely will be cast into perdition. So just do what people have done before and you too can become a shameful celebrity just like Courtney Love or Tanya Harding. So until next time my loyal readers. Stay happy, and always know that I love you.
I was watching CNN recently and I heard some guy say that the Iraq war was the greatest foreign affairs blunder since the Vietnam War. This got me thinking, what did people do when they were mad about Vietnam that we aren’t doing now? Many did tons of drugs and had promiscuous, unprotected sex. I’m still not sure why people thought doing things like this would stop war, but it’s a great excuse to do it. So now, in the midst of another foreign affairs blunder, we have the opportunity to be irresponsible, drug addled hippies.
The first thing we must remember when doing this is not to fall under the illusion that out partying is helping anyone. However, it will be necessary for us to seem like we think it does. Every now and again we will have to pull ourselves together and stage some elaborate protest. This way we will be able to get support from liberal celebrities like Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon and our cause will look more legitimate, even though it isn’t.
For this whole thing to work we can’t pretend like this is going to last forever. No matter how many drugs you take, or how much unprotected sex you have, you can’t live irresponsibly forever. The smart people went on and rejoined society when they were done partying and are now doing ok. The dumber people bought into the whole world changing through irresponsibility idea and are not doing ok.
A perfect example of these people are the Weathermen. These guys were basically communists who believed they needed to bring the Vietnam War to the people of the U.S. So how did they do that? They committed acts of terrorism. To get the public on their side they held the “Days of Rage” protests which were supposed to get U.S. citizens to realize that the government is evil and that they should start killing police and commit acts of terrorism. Only two hundred people showed up. They than just ended up smashing things in the streets of Chicago, including the haymarket riot monument. Though the thing they did that I like the most was accidentally blowing up their safe house in the Greenwich Village. Ha ha, take that jerks! No matter what or who they blew up, they failed to crush the government. Although they were certain the U.S. was evil, the people of the U.S. didn’t agree.
Another organization that was equally as stupid but less violent was the Yippies. They advocated revolution by trying to “freak out the system”. One thing did to freak out the system was by getting a safe deposit box, and putting a dead fish in it. Since it takes a long time to get the court order to open a safe deposit box, the fish would rot and stink up the bank vault for a while. Again, this failed to hurt the system. It just made bank vaults stinky. No matter how stinky the bank vault was, the owners and patrons of the bank did not get freaked out. Even if they were freaked out, it failed to demolish the system.
Lastly, I’d like to talk about Tim Leary, the primary advocate of the spiritual powers of LSD. Leary believed that if everybody did acid the world would be a better place. The DEA disagreed and he was arrested several times. I have never really believed that a drug can make the world a better place, I think it might actually make the world collapse. Many people took LSD and it failed to change society. Acid is not a gateway to enlightenment, it is a gateway to getting high. Which is fine, but if you expect LSD to make your life and the world better, you are mistaken.
So I say take some drugs, have an orgy, we have the perfect excuse to do it. And if you feel the need, stage some sort of protest. All I ask is that if you believe the government is evil don’t do anything rash. Before you do something with extreme consequences, just look at the people I mentioned above. If you feel the government is stupid, racist, or violent, don’t let that make you stupid racist, or violent. So until next time my loyal readers. Stay happy and always know that I love you.
I would have to say when it comes to the news, 60 Minutes can’t be beat. They have covered some of the biggest news stories there are. They interviewed Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, they have been inside North Korea, they have interviewed all the women Clinton tried to have sex with and many other things journalists would kill to do. They have had some of the biggest journalists like Tom Brokaw, Morley Safer, and Ed Bradley. However, there is one thing about 60 minutes that truly irritates me, and that is Andy Rooney
This guy has been on the program for years. His segment is on every week at the end of the show for about five minutes, and all he does is whine. I’m not talking about whining about important subjects that affect everyone like politics or the economy, he bitches about things like his filing system, wristwatches, and kitchen implements. One of his stories was about him procrastinating for an entire day. I’m dead serious. His segment was him doing various things throughout the day because he didn’t want to work. So basically you see him walking around outside, sitting at his desk twittling his thumbs, and taking a nap in his office. This is all narrated by him as well. Another of his stories was about how he doesn’t like the lotteries because poor people play it and the state than gets the poor people’s money. First off, no one is making these people play the lottery. Secondly, poor people are supposed to play the lottery! What do ya think, rich people are gonna play the lottery ya dumb idiot! Poor people want to play the lottery, moron! He than made the suggestion that instead of reading the name of the person who won the lottery in the newspaper, it should be required that all the people who didn’t win have their names in the paper. That’s just genius, Andy. I’m sure all the newspaper editors felt real stupid for not figuring that one out.
A recurring theme in Andy Rooney’s segments is him complaining about getting old. He did this on his birthday, and said that when someone says happy birthday to him he gets irritated. So being courteous to Andy on his birthday will make him secretly hate you. I don’t understand why he thought people would want to hear something like this. Does complaining about your age draw in viewers and increase ratings? Why the hell would anyone want to listen to some old guy complain about being an old guy? That’s just what I want to hear on Sunday night, some guy whining about his age.
I am truly baffled as to why he remains on 60 Minutes. While the rest of the people there are trying to tackle important current events, Andy Rooney is using whatever whiny thought that pops into his head as material. While I do not like the man’s work, I must say I do respect him for being able to maintain a high paying job while doing practically no work. I’m sure he comes home every night laughing to himself about the fact that he keeps getting paid to do what he does. He probably gets up in the morning upset that he has to go to work, but then he quickly realizes he does no real work and than he happily puts hair gel in his eyebrows. What a life. The only logical explanation for why he is still on the air is that he blackmails the producers. He’s like the J. Edgar Hoover of CBS. He has dirt on everyone so they can’t fire him. I think that it is time to hold a 60 Minutes coup. I will overthrow Andy Rooney’s brutal and whiny regime and fill in the last 5 minutes of 60 Minutes with dirty observational humor. And unlike Andy, if I can’t come up with something, I’ll yield my time to the feature stories. So until next time my loyal readers, stay happy and always know that I love you.
For a while now steroids has been a huge controversy in sports. Various athletes have come forward and admitted to taking performance enhancing drugs. League officials in several sports are desperately trying to keep steroids form infiltrating the athletic world and keep the playing field level. It seems to be a difficult battle. But what about this idea, instead of prohibiting steroids, require all athletes to take steroids.
I realize this may seem wrong, but it would almost definitely level the playing field. Plus it would make sports way more interesting. People closely followed the homerun derby between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. One was taking performance enhancing drugs, and the other one had a corked bat. This resulted in more homeruns and more excitement. So if we had something like this in baseball all the time, the ratings would be sky high. Higher scoring games, shattered records, and the best part of all more fights.
Since steroids make one overly aggressive, more fights will occur in sports. The parts of sports that get the most attention are the fights. More people will know about the brawl between the Denver Nuggets and the New York Knicks than some player breaking a scoring record. This is basically the concept the short lived XFL tried to exploit. The only problem was that it didn’t go far enough. They had trash talking, less regulations, and scantily clad cheerleaders. But it lacked a sense of realism and unpredictability that a normal sports brawl has. The NHL seems to realize this concept. They only give a penalty for fighting instead of suspending players. This is a step in the right direction, but we need fighting in all sports. And I’m not talking just mainstream sports like baseball, football, and basketball. I’m talking all sports. Snooker, bowling, golf, luge, debates, dungeons and dragons, tractor pulls, everything. If you think a hockey fight is cool, try imagining a curling brawl.
But why stop at sports? We could give steroids to all sorts of people and see what happens. How about actors? Acting could be competitive. In the middle of a play the hulking, acne covered actors might begin brawling over who’s the better actor or they might even have massive heart failure. They might even attack the audience. Steroids could be required in politics. Records for amounts of bills passed and vetoed could be shattered. Senators and congressman could be duking it out on the capital floor just like the Ukrainian parliament. Politicians actually do try and destroy each other now, but in the less entertaining non-physical way.
The possibilities are endless. Steroids could provide countless hours of reality show style entertainment in virtually all fields. The only drawbacks are heart complications, innocent victims, acne, wild mood swings, death, and genital shrinkage. But the entertainment will totally be worth it, as long as you’re not one of the people who has to take steroids. So until next time my loyal readers, stay happy and always know that I love you.
The situation looks bleak for humanity. The earth is heating up and the ice caps are melting. Sea level will rise and flood coastal cities and the ocean will heat up causing extreme hurricanes. If you’re like me, you’re very concerned… about how to make money off of this. Fortunately, I have a plan made up for this. With a little preparation and strategy, global warming might be the best thing that ever happened you. When the oceans rise and flood the coast, a good plan is to be in a mall or the jewelry district of a city. Why? Because the looting will be absolutely fantastic. You’ll finally be able to get everything you ever wanted for free. Gold, diamonds, cash, Mont Blanc pens, DVD box sets, it’ll all be there for the taking. Armageddon will also provide many investment opportunities. If you can afford to buy some property that’s only a few miles inland, do it. You might get lucky and that normal property will become beach front property. Investing in boat companies might also yield huge returns. Also, buy your flood insurance now before the rates sky rocket. Fear is going to be very widespread. Luckily, fear is probably the best tool for convincing people to give you their money. So take a page out of the David Koresh and Jim Jones playbook and start a fanatical cult. Jim Jones convinced over nine hundred people to move to a remote village in the Jungles of Guyana. He later convinced them all to commit suicide. David Koresh convinced people to live in his compound and kill federal agents who tried to stop him. Plus, he made everyone there give up their wives and daughters to him because he claimed he was the only one allowed to have sex and that he should do it with as many women as possible. I figure if a person can convince a group of people to give up their wives, daughters, and lives, it can’t be that difficult to convince stupid people to give up their money. Pat Robertson is doing this right now and getting away with it. To start a cult, just tell people that they will find salvation if they give you money. Get them to sign a contract granting you all their money and then all you go to do is slip away with the cash. If anyone complains or refuses to pay, you can actually take them to court over breach of contract. This is also a good lesson in always remembering to read what you sign. In the event that the world is plunged into complete chaos you’re going to want to stock up on the proper provisions. Along with all the useless luxuries you will have looted, I recommend hoarding booze, cigarettes, and guns. People are going to still want booze and cigarettes when they are unavailable. I remember once at boarding school there was a nicotine drought. I was able to auction off a single cigarette to one of the smokers for twenty dollars. Twenty dollars for roughly twenty five cents of paper and tobacco. That’s an eight thousand percent profit. You could stand to make a lot with a stash of cigarettes and liquor. The reason you want guns is because governments might dissolve, creating warring territories ruled by warlords. Trust me; you are going to want to be one of these warlords. It’s either that or be at the economic status of a medieval peasant. Remember the golden rule, whoever has the guns shoots the guy with the gold, takes it, and makes the rules. So there’s really no reason to be afraid of impending disaster. On the contrary, we should be celebrating. This isn’t a crisis, it’s an opportunity! So forget repenting and despair. Everyone now has an opportunity to get what they’ve always wanted. Be it needlessly expensive goods, or becoming a brutal dictator, it’s all there for the taking. When all this happens, I’m sure Niccolo Machiavelli will be smiling upon us from hell. So until next time my loyal readers, stay happy and always know that I love you.
After several years of writing humor columns for the Dickinson College newspaper, "The Dickinsonian", I have put every article I have ever written on this website for easy public access. All my articles here are in their original uncensored glory!
My name is Jeremy Blutstein and I specialize in writing comedy. I do stand up, I write screenplays, and I have been writing humor articles for some time now. I hope to eventually get paid for my writing. But right now blogging will have to do.
