The Fame Game

Originally Published March 29, 2007

I have been writing my column now for a while now and I like to think I have a fair sized following. Even though it mostly contains illiterate people, I’m still content with it. But being content isn’t enough! I want more! More I tells ya! I want super stardom! Now normally to get fame one must be talented enough at something to gain recognition, but I’m sure as you read this you have discovered I have no talent. Even my vast illiterate fan base knows this. But if we look closely at some other famous people, we can see that there are loopholes to becoming famous.
The first trick is to make a sex tape. Case subject: Paris Hilton. Everyone knows who she is, she has appeared in movies, modeled in magazines, and she even coined the incredibly stupid catch phrase “That’s Hot”. She may have even have trademarked that phrase, so I may have to pay her to use it in this article. So aside from being greedy enough to exploit a helpless, talentless columnist, she is very famous. How did this fame start? A sex tape. She was just known as an incredibly rich heir and now because of her shameful sexual display she is a household name. So every time you see her on television or anywhere else, remember why she’s there. She filmed herself getting plowed and everyone saw it. This certainly is an expedient way to fame but would be difficult for me to achieve since I don’t have a woman who would be willing to be in a sex tape with me. The only alternative is to make a sex tape of me having sex with myself, but I doubt that would yield any gain in fame.
The next trick is to have sex with a politician. Case Subject: Monica Lewinsky. She was a simple white house intern who fell under the sexual spell of Bill Clinton like so many women before her. It eventually came to be noticed by the public and the republicans did all they could to gain from the situation. Monica certainly had a lot of problems, but I guess you could say it was a blessing in disguise. She ended up hosting Saturday Night Live and came out with her line of purses. All this because she blew the president. So what politician could I have sex with? Since I don’t want to have sex with a man my options are pretty limited. It’s really just Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, or Laura Bush. I think I’ll just compromise and have sex with the Bush daughters.
The most popular way to gain fame right now is to claim you are the father of Anna Nicole smith’s baby. So I will do that right now. It was me who sired Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. We met during a snooker tournament in Fargo, North Carolina. We totally screwed and the kid’s mine. Now I want my money. On the subject of Anna Nicole Smith, the last way to get famous is to die an unnatural death. Anna Nicole Smith wasn’t particularly famous until after her sudden death. Before that she was known for having married a man so old and rich that he may have actually been William Randolph Hearst, and having a TV show where she said and did stupid things. Also she was fat and got thin and started shilling for Trimspa. After she died, she was on every television channel. Dying unnaturally when you’re even a little bit famous will make you very famous. The only problem is you’re not around to enjoy your fame. Unless there’s an afterlife and you are able to take fame with you there. It’s risky, but if it works it’s worth it. Unless of course you go to hell. And if I do all the things I mentioned above to gain fame I surely will be cast into perdition. So just do what people have done before and you too can become a shameful celebrity just like Courtney Love or Tanya Harding. So until next time my loyal readers. Stay happy, and always know that I love you.