High-dration

Originally published April 5, 2007

Energy drinks have gained a tremendous amount of popularity. It seems impossible to walk in a convenience store or gas station without seeing them. So why are they so popular? I believe the reason is because of their addictive nature. Or at least the marketing that makes them seem addictive.

The first time I really noticed this was when I heard about the drink “Cocaine”. This is blatantly trying to appeal to people who want a drink that will get them high. The writing on the can is made to look like lines of coke. So crank up some K.C. and the Sunshine band, put on a leisure suit, and drink can after can of “Cocaine” drink until you are strung out and completely broke.

Energy drinks are actually causing a lot of concern in the medical community. If young children drink them it can cause heart palpitations. This stuff is powerful. Also, many people don’t realize that many of these drinks come with alcohol in them. These keep you drunk and awake. The tiring nature of alcohol is counteracted by the caffeine so you can be uninhibited and reckless for an indefinite period of time. So what lies in the future for energy drinks? Probably prohibition. I’m certain congress will lead some sort of hearing to determine whether energy drinks are addictive, just like tobacco was investigated before them. A bill will be passed outlawing over caffeinated drinks, or at least strictly taxing and regulating them.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the companies that produce these drinks have suspected that this would happen all along. When the drinks are outlawed a huge demand for them will be created. People will have to smuggle them from Mexico and Canada. That is why the cans for these drinks were made so small, so they can be easily inserted into the rectum and smuggled across the border.

I plan on becoming very wealthy because of this. I will become a modern day bootlegger. I plan on running shipments down from Canada and selling them to the highest bidder. I will than take the money and open up some energy drink speakeasies, where people will come in, listen to hot jazz music, and drink until they go into cardiac arrest. I will rise to the level of Al Capone. I will be an energy drink drug lord, flooding the streets with energy drinks. Cities will teem with caffeine addicts looking for another fix of what they call on the streets “juice”, “caff”, “N”, and “tongue candy”. So move over methamphetamine, America’s gonna have a new drug epidemic. And I’m cashing in on it. So until next time my loyal readers. Stay happy, and always know that I love you.