Anti-Rooney

Originally published March 1, 2007

I would have to say when it comes to the news, 60 Minutes can’t be beat. They have covered some of the biggest news stories there are. They interviewed Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, they have been inside North Korea, they have interviewed all the women Clinton tried to have sex with and many other things journalists would kill to do. They have had some of the biggest journalists like Tom Brokaw, Morley Safer, and Ed Bradley. However, there is one thing about 60 minutes that truly irritates me, and that is Andy Rooney

This guy has been on the program for years. His segment is on every week at the end of the show for about five minutes, and all he does is whine. I’m not talking about whining about important subjects that affect everyone like politics or the economy, he bitches about things like his filing system, wristwatches, and kitchen implements. One of his stories was about him procrastinating for an entire day. I’m dead serious. His segment was him doing various things throughout the day because he didn’t want to work. So basically you see him walking around outside, sitting at his desk twittling his thumbs, and taking a nap in his office. This is all narrated by him as well. Another of his stories was about how he doesn’t like the lotteries because poor people play it and the state than gets the poor people’s money. First off, no one is making these people play the lottery. Secondly, poor people are supposed to play the lottery! What do ya think, rich people are gonna play the lottery ya dumb idiot! Poor people want to play the lottery, moron! He than made the suggestion that instead of reading the name of the person who won the lottery in the newspaper, it should be required that all the people who didn’t win have their names in the paper. That’s just genius, Andy. I’m sure all the newspaper editors felt real stupid for not figuring that one out.

A recurring theme in Andy Rooney’s segments is him complaining about getting old. He did this on his birthday, and said that when someone says happy birthday to him he gets irritated. So being courteous to Andy on his birthday will make him secretly hate you. I don’t understand why he thought people would want to hear something like this. Does complaining about your age draw in viewers and increase ratings? Why the hell would anyone want to listen to some old guy complain about being an old guy? That’s just what I want to hear on Sunday night, some guy whining about his age.

I am truly baffled as to why he remains on 60 Minutes. While the rest of the people there are trying to tackle important current events, Andy Rooney is using whatever whiny thought that pops into his head as material. While I do not like the man’s work, I must say I do respect him for being able to maintain a high paying job while doing practically no work. I’m sure he comes home every night laughing to himself about the fact that he keeps getting paid to do what he does. He probably gets up in the morning upset that he has to go to work, but then he quickly realizes he does no real work and than he happily puts hair gel in his eyebrows. What a life. The only logical explanation for why he is still on the air is that he blackmails the producers. He’s like the J. Edgar Hoover of CBS. He has dirt on everyone so they can’t fire him. I think that it is time to hold a 60 Minutes coup. I will overthrow Andy Rooney’s brutal and whiny regime and fill in the last 5 minutes of 60 Minutes with dirty observational humor. And unlike Andy, if I can’t come up with something, I’ll yield my time to the feature stories. So until next time my loyal readers, stay happy and always know that I love you.