Apocalypse Wow!

Originally published February, 2007

The situation looks bleak for humanity. The earth is heating up and the ice caps are melting. Sea level will rise and flood coastal cities and the ocean will heat up causing extreme hurricanes. If you’re like me, you’re very concerned… about how to make money off of this. Fortunately, I have a plan made up for this. With a little preparation and strategy, global warming might be the best thing that ever happened you. When the oceans rise and flood the coast, a good plan is to be in a mall or the jewelry district of a city. Why? Because the looting will be absolutely fantastic. You’ll finally be able to get everything you ever wanted for free. Gold, diamonds, cash, Mont Blanc pens, DVD box sets, it’ll all be there for the taking.
Armageddon will also provide many investment opportunities. If you can afford to buy some property that’s only a few miles inland, do it. You might get lucky and that normal property will become beach front property. Investing in boat companies might also yield huge returns. Also, buy your flood insurance now before the rates sky rocket.
Fear is going to be very widespread. Luckily, fear is probably the best tool for convincing people to give you their money. So take a page out of the David Koresh and Jim Jones playbook and start a fanatical cult. Jim Jones convinced over nine hundred people to move to a remote village in the Jungles of Guyana. He later convinced them all to commit suicide. David Koresh convinced people to live in his compound and kill federal agents who tried to stop him. Plus, he made everyone there give up their wives and daughters to him because he claimed he was the only one allowed to have sex and that he should do it with as many women as possible. I figure if a person can convince a group of people to give up their wives, daughters, and lives, it can’t be that difficult to convince stupid people to give up their money. Pat Robertson is doing this right now and getting away with it. To start a cult, just tell people that they will find salvation if they give you money. Get them to sign a contract granting you all their money and then all you go to do is slip away with the cash. If anyone complains or refuses to pay, you can actually take them to court over breach of contract. This is also a good lesson in always remembering to read what you sign.
In the event that the world is plunged into complete chaos you’re going to want to stock up on the proper provisions. Along with all the useless luxuries you will have looted, I recommend hoarding booze, cigarettes, and guns. People are going to still want booze and cigarettes when they are unavailable. I remember once at boarding school there was a nicotine drought. I was able to auction off a single cigarette to one of the smokers for twenty dollars. Twenty dollars for roughly twenty five cents of paper and tobacco. That’s an eight thousand percent profit. You could stand to make a lot with a stash of cigarettes and liquor. The reason you want guns is because governments might dissolve, creating warring territories ruled by warlords. Trust me; you are going to want to be one of these warlords. It’s either that or be at the economic status of a medieval peasant. Remember the golden rule, whoever has the guns shoots the guy with the gold, takes it, and makes the rules.
So there’s really no reason to be afraid of impending disaster. On the contrary, we should be celebrating. This isn’t a crisis, it’s an opportunity! So forget repenting and despair. Everyone now has an opportunity to get what they’ve always wanted. Be it needlessly expensive goods, or becoming a brutal dictator, it’s all there for the taking. When all this happens, I’m sure Niccolo Machiavelli will be smiling upon us from hell. So until next time my loyal readers, stay happy and always know that I love you.