Segway Enforcers

Originally published April 19, 2007

I was in Washington D.C. last weekend and saw something very peculiar there. While waiting outside of Union Station I saw a policeman. Not just any policeman, a policeman on a segway. At first I wasn’t sure it was a cop, but it was. Does this mean there is a segway division of the Washington Police? I think that that would be a position a person can only be demoted to, because no one volunteers to be in the segway brigade. They must be lower than the meter maids. Although being a cop on a segway is embarrassing, being the criminal caught by the cop on a segway is even more so. Could you imagine running from a cop on a segway? He would have to jump off of it while moving to catch you. It’s hard enough to be an authority figure on a bicycle or a horse. But on a segway? I’m a law abiding citizen and I had trouble holding back laughter. A degenerate criminal would probably soil himself with laughter seeing what I saw.

After I left Union Station I saw a band of people riding around on segways. This is getting out of hand. The world is not ready for segway proliferation. The first problem with them is that they make walking obsolete. If I had a segway I’d ride it all over the place and I’d become fat as a cow. Policeman already have a bad rap of eating donuts and looking like fat pigs. The segway would only reinforce this stereotype. We need our police to stay in shape in case a criminal runs where a segway can’t go. Like up a stairway for example. If the police keep using the segways they will become out of shape and unable to do anything work related except ride their segway. Than gangs of hoodlums would get the upper hand and they would simple have to climb a ladder or go up some stairs to escape the cops. We cannot let the criminals take over.

The other problem with the segways is the perception people have of them. Not just policemen, but nobody looks threatening riding a segway. If you saw a group of Hell’s Angels riding around on segways in their own segway gang, would you be scared? Of course not. You’d point and laugh. We can’t have representatives from other countries coming to our nation’s capital and seeing people riding around on these goofy little machines. They will think we’re weak and we simply cannot be perceived as weak right now. Unfortunately the damage may already have been done. I have seen a picture of George Bush on his segway. Even worse the picture was him falling off of it. America is in a PR crisis right now. Now George Bush may be a horrible president, but he should have the sensibility to want to seem strong. That’s pretty much all he does anyways. He attacks countries and ignores the advice of experts just to seem strong, and than he makes this blunder. He wants to seem strong but shows everyone he’d prefer not to walk.

One day I’m certain the segway will be as main stream as cars. We’ll have segway races, and segway magazine, and maybe even a segway television show called “Pimp my Segway”. But right now it just doesn’t seem right. Segway races and “Pimp my Segway” all seem ludicrous ideas now. I assure you one day people will be unable to imagine life without them. Police will cruise around on segways and the president will be able to segway where ever he pleases. Until then, people of authority should not ride segways. So until next time my loyal readers. Stay happy and always know that I love you.