Steroids for All!

Originally published February, 2007

For a while now steroids has been a huge controversy in sports. Various athletes have come forward and admitted to taking performance enhancing drugs. League officials in several sports are desperately trying to keep steroids form infiltrating the athletic world and keep the playing field level. It seems to be a difficult battle. But what about this idea, instead of prohibiting steroids, require all athletes to take steroids.

I realize this may seem wrong, but it would almost definitely level the playing field. Plus it would make sports way more interesting. People closely followed the homerun derby between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. One was taking performance enhancing drugs, and the other one had a corked bat. This resulted in more homeruns and more excitement. So if we had something like this in baseball all the time, the ratings would be sky high. Higher scoring games, shattered records, and the best part of all more fights.

Since steroids make one overly aggressive, more fights will occur in sports. The parts of sports that get the most attention are the fights. More people will know about the brawl between the Denver Nuggets and the New York Knicks than some player breaking a scoring record. This is basically the concept the short lived XFL tried to exploit. The only problem was that it didn’t go far enough. They had trash talking, less regulations, and scantily clad cheerleaders. But it lacked a sense of realism and unpredictability that a normal sports brawl has. The NHL seems to realize this concept. They only give a penalty for fighting instead of suspending players. This is a step in the right direction, but we need fighting in all sports. And I’m not talking just mainstream sports like baseball, football, and basketball. I’m talking all sports. Snooker, bowling, golf, luge, debates, dungeons and dragons, tractor pulls, everything. If you think a hockey fight is cool, try imagining a curling brawl.

But why stop at sports? We could give steroids to all sorts of people and see what happens. How about actors? Acting could be competitive. In the middle of a play the hulking, acne covered actors might begin brawling over who’s the better actor or they might even have massive heart failure. They might even attack the audience. Steroids could be required in politics. Records for amounts of bills passed and vetoed could be shattered. Senators and congressman could be duking it out on the capital floor just like the Ukrainian parliament. Politicians actually do try and destroy each other now, but in the less entertaining non-physical way.

The possibilities are endless. Steroids could provide countless hours of reality show style entertainment in virtually all fields. The only drawbacks are heart complications, innocent victims, acne, wild mood swings, death, and genital shrinkage. But the entertainment will totally be worth it, as long as you’re not one of the people who has to take steroids. So until next time my loyal readers, stay happy and always know that I love you.