Cologne does not Equal Sex

Originally published October 5, 2006

I was feeling pretty good today; I had gotten a good grade on a paper and than I bought a moon pie. But something killed my moon pie high, I returned to my room and turned on the television to see a commercial for Tag Body spray. These commercials for Axe and Tag have irritated me for quite some time. They blatantly claim that if you use the products women will want to have sex with you. Then they show a young man using the deodorant and getting surrounded by beautiful women who grope and pummel him at the same time. I assure you that if you use these products, women will not automatically want to have sex with you. You will only smell different.

Over the summer I received a free sample of Tag body spray. Now, because I am not a moron, I did not think that the use of the body spray would make women attack me with sex like in the commercials. But I decided it couldn’t hurt to try it out. I sprayed some on me and stood downwind to the women’s section at Kohl’s, which is filled with groups of ignorant teenage girls and sexy single moms. After waiting five minutes, I became disappointed because I realized I wasn’t having sex. The commercial led me to believe that within seconds of putting the deodorant on, women would start having sex with me, no matter how public a place we were in. I decided to put more of the spray on. I did actually receive female attention after this by a woman who told me I smelled funny. Unfortunately, this did not result in sex.

The other reason these commercials anger me is because they are directed at me. For you see my readers, I am not exactly fantastic with women. Most opinions writers are the same. So when I see these commercials, I feel they are insulting my intelligence. Am I so pathetic that the only way I can appeal to women is through the way I smell? Well, yes. But still I am offended that they are trying to trick me into buying their product.

Well, science still has not developed a way to get women to have sex with us. However, there is a product that can help you feel better when you’re feeling lonely. It’s called liquor. Whenever you’re depressed about your situation with women you can drink and not be depressed temporarily. A side affect is that you may go over to an ex-girlfriend’s place and make a drunken ass of yourself. But this side affect has rarely caused anyone to discontinue the use of the product. In the end of all this, the best way to get women to have sex with you is to charm them and have them like you. May god have mercy on us.