Aside from writing, the only other thing I might be good at is being stressed out. I can be stressed about anything. If it’s remotely unsettling, I can be stressed out about it. It could be something big like the CIA falsely accusing me, or something small like the way a girl on the street looked at me. You name it and I can be stressed out about it. However, my versatility with my stress is the only thing I can take pride in with it. The stress itself is quite horrific.
The person who is concerned by this the most is my mother. Aside from being a loving parent the reason she cares so much about my stress is because my level of stress is surpassed only by hers, so she probably feels responsible for passing her stress level down to me. We both deal with our stress in different ways. She generally uses alternative eastern medicine practices while I use whiskey and not leaving my house. For some reason she thinks this is detrimental to my over all well being. Go figure. So she decided to set up a session with me and her acupuncturist.
I of course was a bit apprehensive about it, but it did get Eric Clapton off of heroin. If it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for me. I walked into the acupuncturist’s office and my nostrils were instantly assaulted by a mixture of sweet smells. The combination made me a tad nauseous. A Chinese woman greeted me and led me to the back.
“So how exactly does this work?” I asked
“Well we all have different elements inside us, earth, water, wind and fire. When those get out of balance we have problems.” She replied with a thick accent. This wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for. I was hoping for something a little more scientific. Instead I was more confused than before I had entered.
In the back room I met a Chinese man who spoke no English. The woman instructed me to sit down and stick out my tongue. I reluctantly did so and they conferred with each other in Chinese. The tone they used made me think that they had discovered something wrong with my tongue but I never found out if that was true. The woman then asked me a series of unsettling questions.
“Do you have bowel movements?”
“Um, yeah.” I replied.
“Do you finish.”
“Uh, yeah I do.” This was kind of strange because I had never thought anyone could start shitting and than stop halfway through. I really feel sorry for anyone who has this problem. It must be very messy.
After the questions the actual acupuncture began. I laid on the table and the woman stuck needles into me. She put a few in my arms and legs which didn’t really hurt, but then she put one between my eyes and one on top of my head which was a little uncomfortable. If I could give advice to anyone about acupuncture it is keep your eyes closed while you have these needles sticking out of you. The experience is relaxing but it is a little disturbing to see needles sticking out of you. It makes you feel like a pin cushion.
So I must admit that the acupuncture does make you feel very calm. You actually get a buzz that is on par with a couple of beers. There is a sense of well being and I kind of felt like I was floating in warm water. It was very cool. The needles were removed from me and we proceeded onto something called “cupping”. Basically what happens is you lay on your stomach and glass cups are placed on your back. The cups are than heated so that the air is sucked out creating a vacuum. The idea is that negative energy is sucked out of you. I would have been less apprehensive about that if I hadn’t seen it used in the film “The Madness King of George”. There I was lying on my stomach being administered a treatment that hadn’t been used since the Hanoverians had been in control of
Before I left I was given a small paper bag containing herbs. I was never told what kind of herbs they were but that they would help me. I got home and opened the bag. It contained several little packets of a light brown powder. At first I thought it was heroin, the ultimate anti-stress medicine. It was actually a sweet substance that was meant to be mixed in water and than drank. I did and it wasn’t half bad. I’m not sure the herbs helped much, but the treatment itself was effective. I do have to say I was surprised that it worked at all. I guess the lesson I took from this was to always keep an open mind. I am even considering going back, but I’ll skip the cupping. So until next time my loyal readers. Stay happy and always know that I love you.
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