Forbidden Comedy

Originally published November 19, 2008

Well, I hate to say it, but I have been deprived of my right to free speech right here on the campus of Dickinson College. How you ask? Because I was not allowed to perform my stand up routine at the Apollo night. I was initially allowed to perform, but then a bunch of little kids decided to show up to the Apollo night, and my material was deemed too offensive for children to hear. This is just another entry on my list of why I hate children.

Sure my material is a bit raunchy, but it’s also educational. Children hearing about things I saw in Amsterdam will teach them about foreign culture. I also inform children about how to spot drug addicts, and things they should not do while drunk. I feel no child will end up worse off than they did before by listening to my routine. The reason for this is that according to statistics over half of all families in the U.S. are dysfunctional. So I doubt my seven minute routine will cause any serious harm that isn’t already there, except of course for the just less than half of the children who come from functional families.

We let our children watch far more horrible things on TV everyday. Have you ever actually watched an episode of the teletubbies? It is disgusting. My stand up routine looks like the family circus compared to the teletubbies. I ended up watching an entire episode while babysitting babysitting my 2 year old cousin. He was laughing the whole time while I watched in terror as his mind slowly became corrupted by the teletubbies, who should be known as the four fluorescent colored horsemen of the apocalypse. The only message I can perceive from that show is this: take lsd. The whole show is more or less based on someone’s acid trip. It’s just a bunch of bizarre little alien people with televisions in their stomach who live in a meadow where the sun has a baby in it. That’s it. Nothing else. At least my stand up has some context and coherence, teletubbies teaches our children that a plot is unnecessary to be entertained. The whole show is clearly a devious British plot.

So children will continue to be corrupted into unproductive members of society while my art is censored. And yes, my stand up comedy is art. It will reach you on a spiritual level and make your life richer. And if you’re reluctant about bringing your kids to see my act, just remember, they’re going to have to learn about junkies and prostitution sooner or later.