The Straight Poop

Originally published November 9, 2006

I was surprised to see on the front page of last week’s school newspaper that the main story was about the alleged use of ex-lax in the cafeteria food. First of all, why is this on the front page? Second of all, why is anyone concerned about this or believe it? Here’s a real interesting part of the article. “According to an article in The Boston Globe in May 2006, many college students worry that many college dining services mix laxatives into food to safe guard against food poisoning or botulism.” Now I like to think that The Boston Globe is a fairly well respected newspaper, but does this issue really deserve their attention. Also it says many students at many colleges are concerned about this. Does this mean that people believe there is some sort of inter-collegiate turd conspiracy? I assure you there are far more pressing mysteries and conspiracy theories in the college world, like skull and bones, and that guy who was caught beating off in the HUB.
There are too many holes in the laxative theory for it to be considered a legitimate conspiracy theory. Why the hell would the school want us to crap more? Who benefits from that? The only way the school would benefit is if they’re harvesting our feces for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine. The article did say that they might be putting laxatives in the food to prevent food poisoning. I’m no doctor, but I don’t think shitting more would help someone with food poisoning. As far as I’m concerned, this is not a legitimate conspiracy theory until the day Oliver Stone addresses it. Although I don’t believe this theory, I really hope Oliver Stone speaks out on it one day because that would be hilarious.
I also don’t think it’s really fair to condemn the quality of the cafeteria food either. Relative to the food I have had to endure, the food at the cafeteria is sensational. My first encounter with bad cafeteria food was at my summer camp. The food never really seemed too bad to me, but that was because around meal time I would be starving. The food absolutely wreaked havoc on my intestines, but there was no way they were putting laxatives in the food. It would be too expensive. The food budget only allowed 1 dollar a meal per person. The budget was stretched so thin they had trouble getting the amount of food needed for three meals a day. So occasionally they would take leftovers, press it into a rectangle and serve it as meat loaf.
I would say the worst meals I had were at boarding school. For a while the food was pretty good until we started putting more money into the basketball team. The ribs meal there was basically 50% bone and 50% fat. Mashed potatoes are a pretty hard meal to screw up, but they found a way. It was as if they made the mashed potatoes and added some substance with the express purpose of making it disgusting. The bowel trouble here is the stuff of legends. There is a legend of a boy who produced a shit the size of a Pringles can. But no amount of excrement based folk lore proves there were laxatives in the food. The more likely explanation for the bizarre bowel behavior is a mix of low quality foods and various restricted substances in their system. The “Legendaries” were prolific drug users. So in the end the idea of laxatives in food makes no sense. However, maybe it’s not such a bad idea. If the school did put laxatives in the food, I would be touched that they cared so much about how regular I am. Until next time my loyal readers. Stay happy, and always know that I love you.