The Old People and Me

Originally published January, 2007

Over winter break I had the remarkable privilege of working at a physical therapy office. My official title was “aid”, but I was really more like a janitor who got to deal with patients. The physical therapists all seemed to like me a lot. I think it was the fact that I am a much bigger loser than they ever will be, which I guess made them feel better. Working at a physical therapy office wasn’t so much a job as it was an exercise in self restraint. The urge to scream at and batter the elderly patients is very strong. These people will insult you, they will whine, they will smell strange, they will have all sorts of skin problems. And if you’re really unlucky, they might come onto you. But one must resist malicious urges if they want to move up in the world of physical therapy. I would like to make it clear that I am not talking about all elderly people. I’m talking about people who were bitter and angry at everything before they were old. As they age they simply become more vocal about how they feel. I started at the office as a powder keg ready to explode and left as a calm vessel filled with repressed rage. Now you’re all in for a real treat, because I’m going to share my secrets of holding back anger and appeasing the elderly. These are valuable skills to have if you ever plan on working in any sort of medical office, or if you plan on visiting the state of Florida.

My first experience with the old and cranky occurred last semester when I volunteered to play bingo at a rest home. As soon as I entered the building despair filled my heart. The fact that the place has an ambulance entrance and that the peak of these people’s week was playing bingo is very depressing. Which brings me to my first tip, it may be necessary to medicate yourself before encountering large groups of old people. I recommend Vicodin or some sort of Dextroamphetamine. You really just need something that will make dull things interesting. When bingo had begun I was bestowed the honor of calling the numbers. I got over my despair and decided to spice things up by being an entertaining bingo announcer. “Are you ready for bingo?!” I said enthusiastically on the microphone. For the most part the audience didn’t respond. I think I heard someone say “yes” and someone grunted but that was it. I began to call out the numbers but was interrupted by a woman who was sitting right next to the speaker; she complained she couldn’t hear me. When someone won an aid went over to give her her prize. “Oh yeah, tell her what she’s won!” I declared. The aid handed her a quarter. “Alright, a quarter.” I said. This brings me to my next point; don’t seem happy or enthusiastic around old people. An angry person always hates a happy person and old people are regularly angry.

The rest home was pretty adequate preparation for the physical therapy office. The main difference between the two was at the office you had to see the ravages of age up close. There was a man who was having his feet worked on. His feet smelled so bad that the therapists had to put cologne under their noses to tolerate the smell. This is what hit men do before they chop up bodies. Now you never want to put on some sort of mask when dealing with old person smell. If they know that they smell bad they will become displeased. However, most old people you will encounter will become displeased at one point or another. I once was given the task of holding a man’s spasming wrist steady while he was being treated. He immediately went home and told his daughter that there was a three hundred pound man at the office who nearly ripped his arm out of its socket. This didn’t bother me too much except for the fact that he greatly exaggerated my weight. The best thing to do in a situation like this is ignore the person as much as possible. There’s no need for an ugly confrontation.

With these people it’s important to remember that flattery will get you everywhere. There was one therapist there who sold his integrity and sweet talked the old ladies every chance he got, and it worked. He got huge tips, but there was speculation that he was whoring himself out to those women. Flattery is fine, but if you do it too much the person might come on to you. I remember there was one remarkably old woman who had to a wear a diaper that I said hello to. After that she would not stop staring at me. I concluded either that she was attracted to me or she was trying to steal my soul. If you find yourself in this situation you are likely to feel very dirty and uncomfortable. All you need to do is vomit, and take a bath in rubbing alcohol. After that you should be alright.

Follow these rules my friends and soon you will be on your way to making money off the elderly. I know I make it seem really bad, but it’s really not as bad as it sounds, and it’s remarkably profitable. So until next time my loyal readers, stay happy and always know that I love you.